An Examined Life

I was on the phone with an airline baggage claim person the other day. He responded to my lost luggage issue with “sir, we are doing our best”. I didn’t believe him. I don’t think the young man on the phone was lying, but the thing was, there was absolutely no action to back up his claim. Talk is so cheap.

There is that biblical story of the two brothers. Their father gives them some work to do. The first brother says he will do it, then buggers off. The second says he doesn’t want to do it, but in the end he actually gets the job done. The story points to the second brother as the one who did the right thing. Actions over words.

Its easy to fall into the trap of offering words we know someone wants to hear, even though we don’t intend to, or aren’t sure how to, follow through. My boys have done that successfully for years when it comes to cleaning their rooms.

I had a friend tell me the story of when he was young and his dad, who didn’t live with him, would promise to take him to Disneyland, complete with letting him know the day and hour he’d pick him up. As a little boy my friend would pack his bag and wait, expectantly, for a father who never showed up. I don’t think his dad intentionally meant to mess with his son’s mind and heart – he just clearly could not connect the actions with the words.

I myself am thinking of another friend who is going through a really tough time. I saw him on the street and said I would call him to go out for a beer. That was three weeks ago. I haven’t called.

It’s not enough that I mean what I say. I actually have to follow through for it to become true.

Today I watched a young man at a bus stop carry on quite an animated conversation with himself. Clearly there was a disagreement, and it was evident he was trying to make a serious point by the way he was swinging his arms.

I smiled at the obvious comedy, but then started thinking that maybe he wasn’t as crazy as he looked. A good argument with himself might just what he needed. Iron sharpens iron, or in that instance, iron would sharpen itself I guess.

Why is it that so many of us seem to lack the confidence to take ourselves on? We acquiesce, giving in without a fight. I am sure that most have the ability, the knowledge, and the understanding to go toe to toe with our ego, intellect, or even emotions. I mean what could we possibly be afraid of? What do we have to lose?

But still the conversation goes “I don’t know why I let myself get away with that, I don’t know what I was thinking, I’ve really got to give myself a talking to”.

I often find myself saying one thing and doing another – a complete contradiction.

I have been thinking about this idea that in fact, most of us are actually right where we want to be – even when we say we aren’t. I understand that there are sometimes valid external, extenuating circumstances that hold us back from what we really want. But in many other instances, if I don’t feel I am where I want to be, why don’t I do what is needed to get there? Maybe I don’t really want to get there, or I don’t want to do the work required for that journey.

So, if where you want to be is not where you are, but you’re not really willing to do what it takes to get there, where does that leave you? I figure pretty much in the same place as that young guy at the bus stop.

I was at a coffee shop the other day, not quite minding my own business. A man and a woman sat down at the table beside me. Both were in their late 40’s, dressed well, but casual. By their conversation it was obvious this was their first meeting.

There were lots of inquiries about work, family, and their respective lives. What would cause two strangers to find themselves in this situation? Internet dating perhaps?

I couldn’t help myself from being fascinated by their dance. So much was unsaid in their conversation as they tried to figure out, in the 20 minutes they were together, whether or not there was any reason to meet again.

I wondered what their criteria were. Appearance? Humour? Common interest? Romantic feeling? I wondered what they were seeking – Soul mate? Sex? Companion? Maybe just the validation that they could still be attractive and desired by someone else.

It appeared, by the way their meeting ended, that little had come from it, and that they were well practiced enough not to take more time than necessary. Each was one more ‘no’ closer to ‘yes’.

So much time spent seeking. But, even once in relationship there is still the wondering, asking, and divining about ourselves, the relationship, and the future. With circumstances constantly changing – if by no other means than chronology –relationships are also forced to change at the same time.

Those folks meeting over coffee were hard at work. It takes significant intention, risk and effort to find love and create a bond.  However, is it really any different once the love has been discovered and the relationship built?

I have to admit, I am having a hard time with the news of the disaster in Haiti. Even without the earthquake the average Haitian’s existence has been tenuous for years. However, I rarely gave it a thought. I mean, there’s lots of places in the world like that.

Now my inbox fills with CNN Breaking News reports of the hundreds of thousands presumed dead and my Facebook newsfeed has my friends pledging prayer and thoughts and offering suggestions where to give money. Haiti is top of mind. For now.

Since the quake I have been thinking about where to lay blame. God is my first choice – given the source of the disaster. But then there’s the construction of the buildings – rebar is not just a first world luxury. Or what part did oppression play in making the population more vulnerable? In the end though, blame is such a useless exercise.

I watched a Disaster Relief expert, Rahul Singh last night on the news. “the dead are dead, we can’t change that. Our efforts are focused on the survivors”. A pragmatic, logical answer. On the one hand he seemed almost callous, as if he was insensitive to the magnitude of the problem – but on the other – he’s focused on doing what he can that will provide the most benefit – tend to the living.

Those of us sitting these thousands of miles away can do the same thing. We need to triage our appetite for news and reports of the disaster to those that will quickly move us to some kind of action that can provide the most benefit. Find organizations that are already on the ground, that already understand the culture and issues within the country, and equip them with the resources so they can make sure the news stories in coming days are not of rising death tolls, but of rebuilt hospitals, clean water, and a return to some semblance of civility.

So, on the morning of January 1, I, and three of my friends, jumped into the ocean off the beach close to my house.  It was 47 seconds in and out, yet that event has become the guiding metaphor for me this coming year.

My natural inclination is to avoid what is difficult. I don’t face my fears, instead I prefer ducking out the back and hoping they didn’t see me. I do risk, but it’s incredibly well calculated. I always make sure that the net is up before I step onto the high wire – and even then its less than 50/50 I’ll give it a go.

I rarely take on anything if I feel there is a chance I may fail. I was the only one in my own company that didn’t take the Aptitude Test we asked of all our employees – what if I scored low?

I find all that is changing for me. I have much more interest now in taking that Road less Traveled. I want to do what is hard – knowing that there is reward even in the attempt.

Frigid waters aside, I am not talking about scary experiences like bungee jumping or parachuting out of airplanes – I am talking about creating a life where I redefine failure to be my refusal to try in the first place.

So when am I going to risk? Each time I hold back, each time I give a second thought, each time I sense I am going to cut and run, each time I seek the easy route. It’s life un-plagued by what if’s.

It’s not fearless, quite the contrary, I think it’ll mean I am scared shitless at times – but that ‘s still no reason not to dive in.

This coming year is the Year of Living Dangerously. I don’t think I have ever really done it before. My resolution is to live the year (and if it works out, beyond that) being real.

Now, I’ve read the articles on New Year’s resolutions, and the fact that most people set their sights too high, and thus doom themselves to failure. With my choice I may become one such casualty. But, I remain undaunted.

I read a book recently about a group of men in a drug and alcohol rehab centre. In one scene they were sitting around the table talking about how they wound up there. They exchanged stories of prostitutes, drugs, crime, and significant personal loss. What moved me was their open honesty even in the midst of their shame, and the acceptance and understanding of the others at the table. They were being real.

I sat on boxing day with a good old friend and his new husband. Pete was completely open about his ‘gayness’ (his word) and seemed visibly pleased to finally be able to be who he really is. I’d known Pete back when we worked at a summer camp, he was well closeted then, and I am sure felt he was living a lie. It was so great to seem him happy in his relationship, but more so happy within himself.

A friend once said “lying is still lying, even if its to yourself”. I have often hidden from others who I am for fear of rejection, scorn, or loss of status.

So, here we go. I can’t change the past, and I have no idea about the future, but I can make a choice for now, for today, to be real, with myself first, and also those around me.