She was telling me how mindfulness can help me in business. I am sure it can, but isn’t that kind of a weird application? Isn’t the point for it to stand on it’s own, in that moment? It got me thinking about the things I do ‘so that’.

What I mean is, I am suspicious of my mixed motivations. Why am I giving a gift, or donating money, or befriending that person?

Years ago I worked for a Christian organization. It was important to be in church each Sunday. It evolved from being a place of worship, to something I needed to do to maintain appearances.

It’s like when I say ‘I love you’ with an inflection that is meant to cause the other person to say it back. It’s not so much an expression of how I feel as it is a need for confirmation of how the other person feels about me.

If it’s not dishonest, it’s certainly disingenuous.

How much more present would I be if my motivation was just focused on now? How much more real the experience? Of course one thing can bleed into another, but wouldn’t it better if it was some blessed, unintended consequence rather than a calculated move? Wouldn’t it in fact carry more weight as a surprise?

I don’t want any ‘so that’. Whether it’s by myself, with friends, in business, or when I say I love you. I don’t want my actions to double in the program.

Funny, I think I am actually talking about being mindful, no?